Kill The Thrills Vol. XVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

by Matt Cashon
Contact: mcashon@yahoo.com

Brace yourself: Bill Murray and Scarlett Johanssen are taking a trip to the altar in this summer’s Lost in Translation 2. Alright, so maybe that’s an obvious little April Fool’s joke, but you could be forgiven if you believed me, with the glut of sequels dominating the movie-going landscape these days. Traditionally, it’s been the summer season that has swamped us with titles ending in Roman numerals. Now it seems that sequelitis is a perennial problem, and it’s not going away. I don’t know anyone who was waiting for Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous or Get Shorty 2 (aka Be Cool), for example. The idea of revisiting favorite movie characters may send an initial tingle of excitement through you (Bruce Willis in Die Hard 4.0, anyone? A senior citizen Indiana Jones 4? and for you legions of Rob Schneider fans Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo?, the only one that is a definite, this fall). However, it is an excitement similar to chewing those little Nikl-Nip candy wax bottles full of sugar juice….there’s an initial burst of excitement, but then you’re left with chewed-up wax that you gotta spit out.

   Remakes and adaptations are just as bad, and I list all these examples we can look forward to this year just to illustrate the imagination evaporation: Bewitched, Dukes of Hazzard, Herbie: Fully Loaded; The Pink Panther; War of the Worlds; House of Wax; The Longest Yard; Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; Miami Vice(!)…Comics and graphic novels are being shipped over to the silver screen every day it seems. Among The Fantastic Four, Aeon Flux (OK, a cartoon), Watchmen, Dr. Strange and Sin City, only the latter appears to have the potential to be memorable for longer than it takes to drive home.

   Then there are the series: Batman Begins, which, if it can make us forget the one with George Clooney as Batman and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze (“Let’s kick some ice!”), then I’m ok with it. There’s something called Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, as well. Of course this is considered a prequel, a story taking place before the original. At the very least, this is part of an ongoing series that does not rehash the same storyline over and over. The best sequels (such as The Godfather, Part Two or The Empire Strikes Back) advance the original story and develop the characters in new and surprising directions. Whether or not Episode III is a good film, it is a continuation of a story, a third act of a play in which its creator, George Lucas, has sworn there will be no encores.

   Recently I suffered through a sequel which, for me, falls in the category of All-Time worst. I mean, we’re talking Superman IV, Blair Witch 2, Blues Brothers 2000 bad. It was called The Ring Two, and it’s already made a ton of money because lately, people seem to really like poorly made horror films. That’s why we already have these gems finding release later this year: Final Destination 3, Underworld: Evolution, Saw 2 and Big Momma’s House 2. Oh yeah, that’s not in the horror genre; but it is a real film coming out and I’m a little frightened.

   With a film like The Ring Two, it almost seems that the most enjoyable part may well be the previews. (I’m going to digress a little here, because bad movies have a tendency to make a reviewer’s mind wander). As I watch the ads for our coming attractions, I can’t help but notice there are a lot of strange trends are emerging in Movieworld these days. Bass profundo thespian Vin Diesel tearfully steps down as the indestructible secret agent that he portrayed with such verve and subtle nuances in XXX. Gangsta rapper turned family-friendly actor Ice Cube takes on the same agent role in XXX2: State of the Union. This allows Vin Diesel to appear in The Pacifier, about (what else?) a CIA operative assigned to watch over a bunch of bratty, poopy kids. At the same time, Nice Cube stars in Are We There Yet? as a bachelor assigned to watch over bratty, poopy kids. So what’s going on here, do these two have the same agent? I’m really going to be suspicious if we see Vin starring in Barbershop 3…although he doesn’t quite have the hairstyle to pull that off.

   As I sit waiting for my recycled horror flick to begin, I think about these things. A preview comes on for something called Monster-in-Law…not a scary-looking movie, but no, it doesn’t look particularly funny either. I can’t help but be struck by the fact that this little exercise features J. Lo yeah, I know she wants to be known by her full name now…now that she’s gone respectable with Marc Anthony…but we’ve invested our hearts in the J.Lo namesake, and that would be like switching suddenly from Mr. T to Mr. Tureaud, which is in fact his real name).

   So, it’s J. Lo co-starring with …who? Vaughn from TV’s Alias? Clearly Michael Vartan is intended as the romantic lead here, but it can’t be good that this trailer shows him for a total of maybe three seconds, as if it were an embarrassed mother ushering off a six-year old who just wet himself. Vartan mumbles a few lines that, in slightly more skillful hands, still wouldn’t be funny, but perhaps wouldn’t seem so strangely corpse-like. I think Alias is a fine show, but Vartan makes Harrison Ford seem loose as a slinky. This comedy, which also somehow lured Jane Fonda out of retirement, unites the exes of both Ben Affleck (J. Lo) and Jennifer Garner (Vartan), who are together in real life themselves. Still with me? I don’t believe there will be jealousy on the newest Bennifer’s part judging from this failed chemistry experiment, except Affleck might just wish he was in a movie, any movie at this point, even if it were Scooby Doo 3.

   Which brings me back to the topic I was discussing before I greatly digressed, as can happen with senility and too many bad movies. Originality is being sacrificed to the gods of greed. This is not news. What is new is the fact that any movie, any at all, is fair game. There may be people still waiting for The X-Files 2 (coming out sometime this year), but I’m not one of them. As a critic, I have no choice. I am duty-bound to sit through schlock movie carcasses such as The Ring Two, unfortunately.

   It should come as no shock that the film is, predictably, a vastly inferior affair. But in this case, there was real reason for optimism. And if anyone thinks I am simply out to bash a film for the sake of bashing, they should know I watched The Ring Two on opening night. As a big fan of the first, I would have loved to rant and rave its praises. This sequel was directed by Hideo Nakata, the imaginative auteur (or filmmaker who, over a career demonstrates a strong personal style) responsible for the Japanese original, Ringu. (Nakata’s film, Dark Water, is, SURPRISE, being released in generic American remake form later this year). The first version, Ringu, was as creepy as they come: quiet, atmospheric and as scary on the second viewing as it was the first. (Ringu itself was based on a manga, or Japanese comic, which was based on a series of books. Hey, you can’t keep a good story down). It was the story of a mysterious, unsettling videotape that had horrible consequences for those who watched it. Immediately after viewing, the phone would ring and a voice would say “Seven days…” The viewer would then die a week later. (I knew there was a catch to that Blockbuster “No Late Fees” campaign). As it happens, the spirit of a vengeful little girl inhabits the video. The American remake, The Ring was a surprisingly effective translation, fully capturing the skin-crawling quality of the mystery. It creeps you out with what is implied…until much later in the film, giving the viewer a greater scare that is fully earned.

Sadly, all of that is lacking in the mediocre second chapter. The elements that made The Ring so effective have vanished…the urban legend vibe (seen here only in the opening sequence); the videotape as a virus metaphor; the subtlety! Everything about this flick reeks of the conventional, which was not the case in The Ring. There is the trickling piano music, informing us we are watching a thriller and something scary is going to happen, not now, but watch out, spooky things are a-brewin’! (You’ll hear this in legal thrillers, too…any John Grisham adaptation, and in fact I’m pretty sure it’s standard to just insert the Presumed Innocent soundtrack when nothing’s really happening in a “thriller”). And don’t worry, when something “scary” does happen in a movie like this, the music will cue you in right up to the last second with taut violins and then lash you with a ramped-up full orchestra telling you, imploring you to be scared!!!

   What is supposed to be scary in The Ring Two is Samara, the little girl spirit seen sparingly in the first film. This occasional presence created a hair-raising tension; in The Ring Two, she pops up everywhere, sort of like that Channel 6 Action News van, and it cheapens the effect completely. No more mystery. OK, fine, but at least scare me then! It’s more successful as an unintentional comedy. Naomi Watts returns, along with David Dorfman, who plays her young son and looks to be in need of a vacation, someplace warm preferably. Then we have Simon Baker, who is sort of like a poor man’s Harry Connick, Jr., starring as the no-name, sacrificial stud Watts falls for – as soon as he walks onscreen, you know he’s dead meat, like Ensign Johnson on the old Star Trek series. And I don’t think that should be taken as a spoiler, as this is par for the course in run-of-the-mill horror such as this. One of our great actresses, Sissy Spacek, has a horrendously embarrassing cameo. Hiding behind dangling dark strands of hair, I so hoped it wasn’t her, but …I just wasn’t having a good movie. Maybe she thought she was starring in Scary Movie 4. Maybe they all did. I certainly thought I was watching Scary Movie 4 when Watts visits the old cabin from the first movie and out pops Gary Cole, aka Lumbergh of Office Space, promoting it as a tourist attraction. Greeeeaaaat….

   It is almost as if Hideo Nakata, a masterful director, was consciously trying to make an “American horror movie” and studied all the trashy flicks and bad habits of lesser directors from the past few decades. The film is just not well made, which, coming from Nakata makes the whole mess all the more disappointing; from a technical side, it is so poorly lit as to be below Bravo Channel’s “Project Greenlight” standards. Anything good? Naomi Watts looks great and always gives a good performance. But I found myself feeling embarrassed for her. For instance, there is a segment involving a violent herd of deer that is cool to watch, but utterly pointless. That’s it, Naomi Watts and the deer; I’d kinda like my money back.

   There are new horror films being released (mostly foreign) which are harder to find but worth the effort. What makes them so effective is that these films do not rely on constant, explicit special effects and violence, but creepy subtlety and a sense of unsettling tension…the unknown, the unseen. Yes, it makes the writers and directors work a little bit harder. And for the audience, it is ultimately so much more rewarding. If you like these kinds of things, I can only urge you to watch the whole Japanese Ring trilogy for a real creep-out trip to goosebump city.

   What’s really scary is that there is going to be a Halloween 9. Just the thought gives me chills, not imagining the film itself. I mean, why pay $9.00 when you can just take a nap at home? I just want new stories, that’s all I’m saying!!

   As far as the Vin Diesel – Ice Cube connection, I think it’s inevitable that they will be in a buddy movie together. Of course, to follow Hollywood protocol these days, it will have to be a sequel…and so I’m thinking, 48 Hours – 25 Years Later. I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought of it. Usually those sharp Hollywood producers are more on the ball, with their wealth of dazzling original ideas.